a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
