Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
