i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She made me pour olive oil on her.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
