Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
