If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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