I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
