those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
