Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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