Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
