are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This baby is an asshole
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
