I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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