I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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