i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
