Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
