i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
