3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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