When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize