If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
