how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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