Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
