he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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