Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
