The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
