im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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