you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
