just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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