Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
