I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
