Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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