I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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