I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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