She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We left an ass print on the piano.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize