Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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