Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
operation have a gay friend backfired
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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