You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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