I am spending my child support on dildos
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
