Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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