I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
