From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He felt like a one man threesome
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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