I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
