Where did you get a picture of my penis
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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