party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
