I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
