The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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