If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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