there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
