apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
