I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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