Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
