Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
