U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Can I color on your dick again?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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