Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
