I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
