Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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