the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
