I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize