You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize