But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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