Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I understand Curling. That high.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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