i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
