i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
