Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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