My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
