the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
