Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
